Different Points Of View (or what others think makes a difference)

I think i am starting to deal with whats going on in my head, not completely dealing with but starting too.

The Twins have been put on a waiting list for nursery, it’s quite a waiting list but it light at the end of the tunnel. If I know that my wife can have free time to achieve what she needs to in the house and doesn’t feel under so much pressure as she can get on with “Life” with out the wee mites under her feet, then i wont feel the pressure so much either.

I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel an enormous sense of guilt from going to work each day. i know that my wife has the huge task of keeping house and looking after the three kids while I earn the bread but i feel it’s an awful lot to ask her.

We also made a decision to cancel a few things, or rather postpone a few things and cancel some others. I know this time of year is busy for everyone and im not trying to say “look we have it harder than you” as I know that’s not the case. It’s just we don’t cope as well, well i dont anyway. but since making the cancellations and postponement of a few dinner dates, photo shoot, no christmas cards this year etc out lives have gained a little bit of clarity as we’ve had time to complete everyday tasks and not worry about having to go out or be ready for something else.

My good lady’s best friend has had a baby in the last fortnight and we think i suffering from PND and my Wife says i should talk to her or her husband as it might help them and me. I still feel like a fraud though. even though the docs call what i have as ” anxiety and Male PND” I still sting from that fateful Mumsnet thread where i was pretty much burned at the stake for saying i had PND and not having given birth to the baby myself.

The stigma needs to be lifted, I shouldnt be made to feel like this. I should be able to talk about it. But this is my only real outlet as my mates don’t really understand.

I have a workmate that has recently returned to work after a few mental health problems. He is not helping matters for himself, his work mates or indeed the mental health community. There is a fair amount of swinging the lead going on. we can’t be certain but he’s not known for his honesty and is known more for storytelling.

He seems to be playing on his issues and it telling everyone and anyone that will listen. Now I know we all deal with things differently but I find this highly unusual.

I guess im telling you this as it’s not helping with the MH stigma as it feels like he’s playing on it, and that’s the general consensus in the team. I can’t even touch on the subject of me as the team as so annoyed with this one team members attitude and situation. Sometime I want to be able to take 15 minutes out to regroup but i just have to soldier on and i think this then affects my home life.

There is an awful lot to think about, do and keep up with but writing really helps, my wife certainly helps when she can and understands.

christmas is nearly here and I hope for a lovely peaceful day for all of us and indeed all of you

x

 

 

Time flys….

So i havent posted for a while.

life has not been easy dealing with the PND and Anxiety.

The Girls are growing up fast and have just turned one. Our four year old has started school and is settling in well.

you would think with one a school things would be easier at home but its not, you just realise how much of a help a playmate is.

I posted on mumsnet for some advice on the PND in dads and got seriously burned. I mean i have been diagnosed but there are some vicious mums on there didnt believe it and like to make thier thoughts known. so thats why ive been quiet on here

I have good days and bad days,  some days i cope on my own and somedays i cant cope even with help. i just have to take one day at a time.

It all stems beacuse i know my better half has the hardest job of looking after the kids and keeping house and working one day a week. so the guilt gets me the most that i cant help as im working 40hrs a week and i want to lighten her load but i cant so i feel helpless.

i know i shouldnt but i do.

one day at a time…..

Stigma

So I’m a man, I have 8 month old twins, i have a 4 year old. I get very little sleep. I’m struggling

I have PND and anxiety issues.

It was a difficult pregnancy. i worried all the way through – silently of course, you have to stay strong for the family.

pregnancy number one was ended with Pre-eclamsia, I almost lost my wife and baby. we probably shouldnt have had another but we wanted it and weighed it all up.

pregnancy number two was short lived and ended before the first scan.

So there was much to be anxious about this time. It wasnt easy and my wife was sick at the start and sick at the end. Both Mum and Babies were fine and were home within a week.

its been hard. we have no family in town, friends are busy and help is lacking.

its hard for my wife too and she has her moments but she’s coping extremely well. Shes amazing.

I think the pressure of being the breadwinner vs the cost of living got to me. The workload of keeping house was mounting. The sleep deprivation was tiring to say the least and the paper work for bills, banking, documents was becoming a mountain of paper.

I didn’t tell her there was an issue until the babies were 4 months as i didnt want to add to her pressure but after months of secret crying while getting the kids to sleep, while getting me to sleep, while sitting on the loo (it’s the only quiet space you get!), Id had enough and i was getting angrier, my temper was getting shorter and I really wasnt happy and something finally gave. It had to give and its better (not fixed but better) than it was.

There is a stigma with Depression, There is a bigger stigma to PND and the Post Natal part of that makes it a Stigma for Men and we don’t want to admit it or talk about it.

We are meant to be Strong, we are meant to hold the family together.

But i struggle to hold myself together but i have asked for help. Our Health visitor has refered us for help with the kids and I have been refered to a counsellor and am awaiting regular sessions. I have seen the GP and the medication has made a difference.

We are stronger as a team and we need to stick together.

I am by no way out of the woods. Some days are good, Some are awful. You need to take it one day at a time. I still cry, I still freak out, it’s just less often than before.

I’m writing this as it’s helping me to deal with it all but also to let other men out there know that they are not alone and it’s not unusual.  please talk about it. Please ask for help.